80/20

 

Life’s tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late

-Benjamin Franklin

I sat down with my grandparents to interview them about relationships. My grandmother started, “ For 60 years , you have ups and downs but you get through them because you want to.. I can’t imagine life without Grandpa.” She looked over at him to make sure his hearing aid was registering what she is saying.

I asked what tips they would give to others for a successful marriage. They told me that a sense of humour was critical , along with enjoying each other’s company, and never staying angry.  “ Sometimes you will disagree and that’s okay.. but you also need to take a step back and do an examination of conscience.” My grandfather chimed in “ People never let things go. ..apologize and move on. Don’t harp on it.

I asked if they think today’s couples give up too easily. Before I can even finish the question my grandmother quickly said, “Yes.”

I asked how they raised four children while both working . My grandmother said, “There is no such thing as 50/50. Sometimes all I could give was 20%  and Grandpa had to give 80%. Sometimes we both have 100% to give , but not always. My grandfather added, “There was never ‘ You do the baths and I will do the dishes.’ We just DID IT. These four kids belonged to us and things needed to get done.”

For many years I always thought couples with a focus on 50/50 sharing of responsibilities had the key to successful relationships.  Perhaps when putting so much focus on “roles” we are actually setting ourselves up for failure.

I thanked my grandparents for their time and as I got up to put my coffee cup in the sink I realized I don’t have to reach 85 years old to be wise, I simply need to ask the right questions and listen to the answers of the people right in front of me.